Do’s and Don’ts of Job Applications

Following are actual job application blunders as reported by Fortune:

• I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

• I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

• I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms.

• Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.

• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

• It's best for employers that I not work with people.

• Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "ahh” over my experience.

• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

• I am perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No comitments.

• I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

• I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

• As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments" "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far" "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping.” I have never quit a job.

• Marital status: often. Children: various.

• Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

• The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers" "Finished eighth in my class of ten.

• References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.